


fly.

by animxedespair



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressed Hinata Shouyou, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, it has a happy ending don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:14:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animxedespair/pseuds/animxedespair
Summary: Hinata attempts suicide, and Kageyama may not be able to catch him or give him a pill to guarantee his happiness, but he is willing gather Hinata's pieces until he is able to do it himself.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 4
Kudos: 262





	fly.

**Author's Note:**

> i've written various fanfictions over the years, but i haven't had the courage to post one since i was twelve (spoiler alert: a long time ago). i hope you enjoy!

hinata was not the shouting ball of sunshine that he usually was. in his place was a boy with tired, red eyes glaring at the clock on the wall. a curious kageyama stared at him with faint interest, not that he minded that the orange haired boy wasn’t being annoying. it just wasn’t normal. 

he sat off to the side of the court watching the others play. just as how his happiness was infectious, a dark aura of uncertainty and uneasiness settled over karasuno high school upon hinata’s mood. kageyama was bad with emotions, so he easily mistook hinata’s feelings for an injury, or maybe just a lack of sleep. either way, it annoyed him. so when he walked up to the other boy to express this, suga and dachi cringed, knowing this was not the right time. 

“hinata.” hinata glanced up, pulled out of his daydream and plopped back into reality. his eyes met kageyama’s, letting out a soft hum in response. 

“why are you sitting out?”

he pointed to his left leg, signifying that he had been injured. kageyama just nodded, because this made sense. hinata was quite susceptible to injury, considering he always bounced around, not seeming to care much if he was hurt or not. his excuse was good enough for kageyama, who was surprisingly naive. suga just flashed daichi a look, who understood immediately. even tsukishima seemed mildly interested in hinata’s mood. 

practice felt as if it ended quicker than it usually does. kageyama wondered why hinata had even bothered to come to practice, he hadn’t been watching, just staring at his palms in such a way that it seemed he was afraid that if he looked away, he would miss something. in reality, hinata just wanted to see his friends one last time. he soon realized that he was not able to make this occurrence a happy one. hinata wished he hadn’t went to practice and had just went straight to the hotel. he planned for today to be a happy day. he wanted their memories of him to end with a smile and no suspicion. 

but now everyone was suspicious, and hinata stared at his palms without blinking. his eyes were filled to the top with tears and if he blinked, they would spill over. if he blinked, he might tell them everything and they might manage to save him. 

hinata got up as the rest of the team started cleaning up. he followed along with them, thinking maybe he could make their lives a little easier if just for ten minutes. 

he picked up a volleyball and put it in the bin. he repeated the process until they were all picked up. with each ball he touched and released his heart was squeezed in his chest as he would never spike it again. when you’re going to die, you realize a lot of things. you realize that there are sentences you will never speak again and people who you didn’t know would be your last time seeing them. and this would be the last time hinata stood in this gym. this would be the last time he saw his true family, connected through a ball and a net. 

it crushed him. everyone was walking on eggshells, staying away from hinata’s body, not knowing what to expect from the boy. he finally lifted his head with a barbie doll smile. 

he screamed in his mind. _please don’t let me do this._

it was as if the gym itself let out a breath with hinata’s smile, and all but suga and daichi realized that hinata's half assed excuse may have been truthful. 

“hey! i’m sorry i was in a grumpy mood today. my arm really hurts. i’m going to the doctor today and she might tell me i can’t practice volleyball for a little bit. nothing more than a week probably, so don’t worry! but i wanted to give you guys gifts to apologize for this. _i really wish this wasn’t how things had to go.”_ his words were enthusiastic but rushed. he was running out of time. he needed to get to the hotel. 

he was just his normal self. this was classic hinata, and they all recognized that and thought they were silly for being worried. 

kageyama is the only one who realized that he said his leg was injured before, and just said his arm was injured. _a miswording,_ he thought to himself. 

it was painfully clear what hinata was going to do. it was so obvious and no one tried to stop him. he passed out cards to everyone on the team, cards individual to each member. they included written memories and thank yous. nothing suspicious in any of them. he just wanted to leave them with a happy hinata. 

he then gave them all bracelets he had made. 

“why are you doing this, hinata? it’s really nice but we’ve never really done anything like this before. exchanging gifts, i mean. except on birthdays and that one time we did secret santa.” tanaka questioned. 

the memory brought a smile to hinata. “i’ve never missed practice before and feel really bad. plus, i realize that i haven’t really expressed how much you all mean to me before. that’s all, nothing too much to it.”

the answer seemed to satisfy tanaka as he said, “awh, you big pile of cheese!” and ruffled the shorter boys hair. suga and daichi conversed quietly. hinata winced as he knew those two would be a problem. people started to leave the gym, all but four. kageyama, hinata, suga, and daichi. hinata wanted to be the last one in the gym, just to thank this building for holding some of his happiest moments and introducing him to his family. 

suga and daichi approached hinata together as kageyama lurked in the shadows in the corner. he wasn’t trying to be creepy, but as everyone knows, kageyama is just strange. no matter how hard he tries not to be. 

“hinata, are you okay?” sugawara questioned the boy with knit eyebrows. 

“yes! my arm- my leg is just really sore. i think i practiced too hard. i promise that this issue will be gone before we know it. i might even be fine by tonight!” he wasn’t lying. not at all. every word he spoke was the truth. under hinata’s sleeves and jeans rubbed countless wounds against the fabric. he was injured, and all his problems would go away tonight. in fact, he would never have another problem again. 

“your arm and your leg? do you mind lifting your sleeves so i can see your injuries?” 

panic flashed on hinata’s face and suga knew. suga knew what he would see if he lifted his sleeves and suga wanted to weep. but he kept his composure for hinata’s sake and waited for the boy's response. hinata’s eyebrows were forced together and he bit his lip, waiting for a couple of seconds before replying. 

“i… i told you. it’s sore… there’s no bruises… you won’t see a… anything…” 

and that was his first lie. 

“hinata,” daichi said softly, as if hinata were a vase, breaking with too sharp a sound, “please show me and suga your arms.”

kageyama stayed in the corner, realization dawning on him. he didn’t know what to do or say. he couldn’t comfort hinata, he didn’t have that type of personality. no one knew he was there, an invisible creature useless within the shadows. hinata backed up as they walked closer to him until his back was against the wall. 

“everything is okay, hinata. just let us see.” suga coaxed. 

hinata let out a breath. even if they found out he could still leave and make it to the hotel, right? this was just a minor inconvenience. tears threatened to spill out and he collapsed. hard. it hurt, but not as much as the anticipation, and that was strangely comforting.

hinata grabbed at his hair and covered his face, repeating the same two words over and over again. 

“ _i’m sorry… i’m sorry… i’m sorry…”_

they crouched down to his level, suga carefully taking one of hinata’s arms and pushing up the sleeve. the couple winced upon seeing his arm. there were new and old ones, showing this hadn’t just been a one time thing. after having a hushed conversation with hinata, attempting to comfort him, daichi asked the million dollar question. 

“were you planning on… on doing something tonight?” he hesitated, not wanting to say suicide. hinata understood what he meant. 

“not at all… not in that way, no. i was serious about showing my appreciation to the team.”

_his second lie._

they looked at him, doubtful, but trusting him. afterall, he had opened up about his self-harm. why would he hide anything else? they talked for a bit longer, hinata still sitting on the ground, hugging his knees to his chest. he felt small. not just short, small. he felt like nothing in comparison to the size of the universe, so insignificant and _small._

suga and daichi said that the next day they would take hinata to the counselors office and help him tell the counselor what had been going on. he agreed, knowing that there wouldn’t be a tomorrow. for him, anyways. 

“can i stay behind for a bit? i’d like to collect my thoughts. i’ll lock up.” 

they agreed and as soon as the door shut, hinata rested his head on his knees. kageyama has almost forgotten his own presence, until hinata looked his way, eyes widening. kageyama panicked and didn’t move from his space. 

“hinata… just grabbing my bag!”

they both knew that was a lie as kageyama didn’t even have his bag with him and he put no effort into that statement. hinata covered his face in shame, hoping to melt into the gym floor and never face anyone again. kageyama approached like a little kid to an angry parent and sat across from the mess of a boy. 

this wasn’t the hinata he knew, but he realized full well the hinata he knew may not be the real hinata. then he slapped himself, hard against the cheek for ever thinking something like that. just because hinata was in pain didn’t mean he was a liar, kageyama scolded himself. 

hinata flinched at the sudden noise, looking up from his hands. kageyama muttered an apology. if hinata was normal, he thought, kageyama was a circus. 

they just sat in silence, soaking up each other’s presence, before hinata couldn't take it anymore. he launched his body onto kageyama’s, resulting him them both being laid onto the floor with hinata clinging to kageyama’s chest, head nuzzled into his left shoulder. in different circumstances, both of them would be embarrassed. this time was an exception. 

kageyama, surprised at first, wrapped his arms around hinata’s back and laid flat on the floor. they stayed like this for a few minutes, a few minutes that they both wished had lasted a lot longer. this made hinata happy, though not happy enough to go back on his plans. after a couple of minutes he pushed himself off of kageyama, sitting up. the other boy did the same. 

“i’ll be going.” hinata said, no emotions behind his words, but he did hesitate. 

one moment of hesitation showed everything he refused to accept. he knew deep down he wanted to tell kageyama everything and just go home and sleep in his own bed. hinata didn't want to go through with this, he didn't want to die. but he couldn't unlock his pain for kageyama to see. he refused to.

“wait!” kageyama half shouted “you should.. you should stay with me tonight.”

it seems kageyama wasn’t as clueless as he seemed. 

“i have a hotel reservation. i want to get away from my family for the night. i’ll be staying there.”

“i’ll come with you.”

hinata thought for a minute, considering how he could go through with his plan with kageyama in the same room as him. he decided he would let kageyama come and sneak to the balcony once he was asleep. 

they started their journey by foot in silence. it was six pm and the sun had started to set, a ray of light directed onto the two boys, as if to highlight them in a sea of chaos and noise. because right now, no matter how small or insignificant they felt, they were the world to each other, and that made them brighter than anything in their city. 

they arrived and walked up to the counter, checking in and getting their room key. kageyama was nervous upon learning their room was on the fourteenth floor, the top floor. he hoped hinata hadn’t been planning what he thought he had been planning. they made their way up. 

“what do you want to do for dinner?” kageyama asked, silently wondering if he should ask about what had happened earlier. 

“let’s just get some room service.” he responded while flopping onto the bed like a starfish, refusing to acknowledge the scene in the gym. 

and so they did. they ordered all their hearts desired, including cake and cookies. this is one of the many reasons you don’t let two teenagers be alone in a hotel room. along with the fact that they ate on the bed, getting crumbs everywhere. 

“why don't people just live in hotels? imagine being able to eat like this everyday! heaven!” hinata said with a crazed look, causing kageyama to believe the boy might just run away and live in a hotel forever.

“hinata boke, hotels are expensive. you would pay 21,913 (200 dollars, don't know if the conversion is correct) yen per night just to spend more money on food.” 

“and that would be perfectly okay!”

kageyama rolled his eyes, secretly content with their situation. they were okay after all. 

after swallowing his last bite of carrot cake, hinata felt extremely bloated, slightly lifting up his shirt and poking his pregnant looking belly with a giggle.

kageyama, intrigued by this sight, reached out his hand and poked hinata’s belly too. he looked at kageyama with a light blush and shock, this being out of character for him. then he erupted into giggles while the other boy watched in confusion. what was so funny? 

hinata choked on his laughs and soon began coughing. 

“hinata!” kageyama explained, getting ready to do the heimlich. 

“kageyama boke! i’m not choking! you’re just really funny!” 

at that he pulled away from the older boys body in embarrassment. “oh.”

here it came again, the sudden urge to pounce on kageyama and just hug him. like a cat on a mouse with less biting. 

he got into kageyama’s lap, straddling his hips while putting his arms around his neck, again resting his head on kageyama‘s chest. he had no idea what he was doing, but it sure was comfortable. 

except for the fact that kageyama was incredibly stiff, but he relaxed into it, letting himself believe that it was just two friends hugging. 

they got ready for bed like nothing happened. usually at sleepovers, hinata would stay up late, but he was “really drained,” as he told kageyama. they said their good nights, while hinata trembled lightly. “goodbye, kageyama.” 

kageyama quickly drifted into a deep sleep as hinata had hoped. 

hinata grabbed his volleyball, looking at the thing that had kept him alive for so long. then he grabbed scissors, stabbed them into the ball, and watched it deflate. 

peeling off his socks, he made his way to the balcony while glancing back to kageyama. he then slid open the balcony door, sitting on the floor, deciding to think for awhile. his mind wandered to his team and how close they really were. hinata loved every single one of them, even tsukishima. 

hinata was not sad. he wasn’t bullied and his home life was fine. these are the things mentioned on anti-suicide posters in school. he didn’t fit any of those ‘requirements’. 

hinata was depressed. moving was a chore and time was nonexistent as his days blended together into one big nightmare. he didn’t like anything for more than three days, no matter how much he wanted to. a show, a game, an instrument. they all ended in tears and “why can’t i just be passionate about something?”

except for volleyball. volleyball was all he had, and he wasn’t good at it. he was nothing without kageyama’s sets. his mind lingered on this thought as he clicked his phone open, his fingers opening the karasuno group chat. hinata texted his goodbyes to his team, then to kenma and his other friends on the various teams he had played with. 

it was two am, he purposely waited for it to be late so he could text his friends without them being awake and stopping him. 

hinata’s phone dinged once. he didn’t check it, and stayed sitting for a couple more minutes, and then all the sudden his phone blew up with messages. the first one from daichi, meaning he had probably woken up the rest of the team upon seeing hinata’s message, and that’s why his phone was being so noisy. he put it on mute, refusing to check what they had said. 

realization creeped up on him as he heard a phone ring in the other room. kageyama was on the team. someone was telling him. hinata scrambled to the railing, quickly climbing on top of it and staring down. it was a lot further down than he realized, and he almost backed out before realizing he had told everyone. it was too late now. 

kageyama’s phone stopped ringing and he heard a groggy voice. 

“hello?”

kageyama had woken up and answered the phone. it took him ten seconds to appear behind hinata after his phone call, his eyes widening as he ran at hinata with his arms out. he just turned around quickly, thinking his third and final lie. 

_“i would have never amounted to anything.”_

and he jumped. 

…

…

…

…

blood, pain, and the cracking of bones. hinata screamed in agony. he didn’t die. 

_i’m not dead._

_no_

_oh my god._

_no_

_no_

_no_

_no_

_i landed in the fucking bushes._

he stopped screaming as agony crawled its way out of his lungs, serving as a plug for his throat. his legs were shattered and his hip bone was pushed against his skin, clearly broken. all the way up to his neck he was littered in gashes and broken bones. 

hinata quickly lost consciousness, kageyama’s shouts above him becoming a faint echo. he practically flew down the stairs, bracing himself for what was about to be witnessed. he raced to hinata’s seemingly lifeless vessel with his heart left several steps behind him, pumping faster than his legs were. 

a couple passed by and saw the commotion, immediately rushing over to help. breathlessly with a tone accepting no denial, he ordered the boys to follow his lead in saving hinata. kageyama wasn't going to let him die, and adrenaline surged through his veins as his current reality hit him like a train. losing hinata was not an option.

one of the boys in the couple, chuuya, assisted kageyama in lifting hinata out of the bushes while his boyfriend, dazai, dialed the police’s number. chuuya and dazai, although confused and frazzled, saved hinata’s life that night. kageyama would not have had the strength of mind to pick up his phone, let alone the stability in his fingers to dial a number.

an ambulance arrived and hinata was pulled into it while the other three climbed in after him. the ride was silent other than kageyama’s messy sobbing. snot dropped down his nose, hovering just above his lips as he hyperventilated. dazai and chuuya didn’t try to comfort the boy, as his reaction was what it should be for a boy in love with a boy who had tried to leap to his end. 

the truth that they all knew was that hinata was probably going to be fine. although he was majorly injured, he would not die, and that was enough.

upon arriving at the hospital, hinata and kageyama were both pulled into separate rooms. hinata to get his injuries treated, and kageyama to calm his heart rate. 

after a few hours, hinata was coming out of surgery and kageyama was sitting in the lobby with the entire karasuno team plus dazai and chuuya. he made his way into the lobby, bandages covering most his skin and his arm in a cast. it was a miracle he was even able to walk given the fall and only four days recovery time. everyone came to support him, despite it having been two am, they came and they stayed as much as they were allowed to. they stayed even after learning only family would be allowed to see him throughout his stay. they left only at nights, and came back on the day of hinata’s release.

hinata didn't want it to be a big deal. after all, it didn't feel like a big deal to him. this was normal supposed to be normal. but when he stepped into the lobby of the hospital and saw his pale and red-eyed teammates, he realized that even if he didn't want it to be a big deal, it was a big deal. he had been one successful jump away from death, and by some miracle, he made it.

all hinata wanted was to spend all day with his teammates. he finally learned that sometimes he will have to depend on others to pick him up, and sometimes that will be okay.

hinata realized that he won't be okay for a long time. but until he is, he has some very sturdy crutches. and those crutches were standing directly in front of him, standing on the nose of an alligator while waiting for any indication of what hinata wanted. 

he delivered, immediately running over and managing to knock them all into a pile on the floor. none of them minded (minus tsukki), allowing the warmth of their team seep into their skin, granting a comfort that words could've never brought.

it would eventually be okay. 

“you absolute dumbass!” kageyama was the first to stand, “how… why… with me in the room… i watched you…” he buried his head in his hands while remembering the event, as if the shield of his eyelids could keep the images away. the overwhelming darkness he saw just made it all the more intense.

“kageyama…” suga warned. 

“no,” hinata cut him off “let him.”

kageyama just slumped into a waiting room chair beside the pile of boys, his head still buried in his hands. he only removed them to stare at hinata and remind himself that he was alive. hinata was alive, and for some horrible reason that thought felt foreign and unbelievable after the events of the past couple of days. it shouldn't have to feel that way. 

"I'm sorry, kageya-"

"don't. don't apologize. please, god, don't apologize. i'm not here to do that to you. i'm just really happy you're alive." he thought for a second and added, "...dumbass."

the rest of the team stayed silent and let them have their moment. this is kageyama we're talking about, confused and clueless kageyama who had no idea what to do in a situation like this nor did he ever want to find out. yet, kageyama saved him, kageyama loved him, and kageyama made hinata feel like he was at home in the middle of a lobby after a suicide attempt. the volleyball club would get their chance with hinata, but they knew all he needed right now was kageyama.

and that was okay.


End file.
